


Experimental Tale

by cruisedirector, CyberMum



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crack, F/M, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-02
Updated: 2002-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyberMum/pseuds/CyberMum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Desperate Chakotay tries to satisfy Seven on the holodeck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Experimental Tale

**Author's Note:**

> This piece of nonsense was written in response to the spoilers that floated around about "Human Error."

On starships there are certain rules  
That they teach in all Starfleet schools:  
You must never relate  
To a Holodeck date  
Or you'll end up looking like fools.

It's been proven time and again  
That you are better off to abstain  
Than get in trouble  
With a false double  
And be looked upon with disdain.

But rules are meant to be broken  
Especially when you are the token  
Bodacious bimbo  
In Star Trek limbo  
Whose instincts need to be woken.

Seven, former frigid Borg,  
Plus (in "Spock's Brain" terms) weak Eymorg,  
Must explore orgasms  
With photonic phantasms  
And if that makes you want to disgorge

Your supper, just wait till you hear  
At which crewman's image she'll leer!  
(Though I'd wish for the captain  
That's just not an option;  
Trek's hot babe can't prove to be queer.)

When Seven breaks the Barclay Law,  
Choosing a crewmember to paw,  
She'll seek out a blank slate  
With no dominant trait --  
Naturally, on Chakotay she'll draw.

The Commander, it's understood  
Has all the properties of wood.  
He's stiff and stoic,  
But never heroic...  
In other words, he should be good.

For Chakotay, as we all know,  
Has had little chance just to let go  
Or to fornicate  
With his Captain Kate  
Who's cold as an Arctic ice floe.

When such an opportunity  
To cavort with impunity  
Arises, you'll see,  
Of course so does he;  
Who wouldn't with such immunity?

Chuckles cannot help but discover  
His face on Seven's holo-lover.  
Who can blame him for peeking  
At her program, and sneaking  
Himself into the part undercover?

After his long romantic drought,  
Now that the Commander's found out  
Seven's doing the nasty  
With holo-Chakotay,  
He calls on executive clout

To sneak onto the holodeck  
And tinker with her program's tech.  
The next time she calls  
On his double, it stalls  
And lets him take over the trek.

He enters his own private code  
(Replacing the one he over-rode),  
And he lies in wait  
For his cyborg date...  
It all makes a fine episode.

Soon Seven of Nine will arrive,  
Her libido in over-drive.  
She's ready to try  
The big tattooed guy  
But she does not know he's alive.

She activates her holo-toy  
And she commands him to employ  
All sexual tricks  
She carefully picks;  
Chakotay should be one happy boy.

But Chak has not bothered to ponder  
That while he's been growing rotunder,  
Seven's enhanced physique  
Has made her strong and sleek --  
An advantage she surely won't squander,

Nor can most mere mortals withstand  
The slap of her Borgified hand,  
Not to mention the pinch  
Of her thighs when they cinch  
'Round the waist of a paramour, and

After all the years she's waited  
To get some, she believes she's fated  
To boff night and day  
Without rest or delay  
Until she is thoroughly sated.

Chakotay steps up to the plate,  
His intentions to satiate  
The Borg's appetite  
If needs be, all night  
But quite a surprise does await

The Commander when he begins  
To practice the outs and the ins  
Of virtual sex  
In the ship's holodecks --  
Perhaps he should have programmed twins.

For as was first mentioned above  
Seven is so hungry for love  
Her enthusiasm  
To reach an orgasm  
Exhausts the guy to the point of

Being powerless to perform  
In or out of his uniform  
The amount of sex  
Perfection expects  
And Seven assumes is the norm.

So after an hour of panting  
In his futile efforts at granting  
Her fondest desire,  
Chak's forced to retire,  
And Seven is on the comm ranting,

"Send Paris, send Tuvok, send Kim,  
Send the Doctor...along with him,  
Send Neelix, Ayala,  
Plus that Carey fella,  
And any hunks left in the gym.

I need them on holodeck one,  
Where clearly there's a malfunction,  
For my holo-stud  
Has been a real dud;  
I need a new program to run."

And with that she tries to delete  
Chakotay, prostrate at her feet.  
But when he remains,  
Her self-control wanes,  
For now she can see his deceit.

"You've tricked me and I must complain."  
Chakotay pleads, "Let me explain,  
"I meant you no harm --  
No cause for alarm,  
I only meant to entertain

You with some sexual delights  
And prove that the real thing ignites.  
Your dormant sex drive  
Will certainly thrive,  
I am better than lasers and lights.

I'll perform superbly -- I've vowed."  
"All right, one more time - You're allowed."  
But to his chagrin  
He does himself in  
By shouting "Oh Kathryn" aloud.

And isn't it just the bad luck  
Of hapless, half-dressed XO Chuck  
That just as he screams,  
Half the male crew beams  
Inside, having found the doors stuck.

"Who programmed this damn override?"  
Asks Paris, while Chak tries to hide.  
"There's too many photons --  
You've wrecked Captain Proton's  
Rocket, and Fair Haven's hillside."

"Just wait till the captain finds out!"  
Snaps Seven, who hasn't a doubt  
That Janeway, the prig,  
Will lock Chak in the brig  
For behaving like such a lout.

Meanwhile Ayala and Carey,  
Plus Chell, Icheb, Neelix, and Harry  
Have collapsed in giggles;  
Even Tuvok wiggles  
One eyebrow as commentary.

Only the Doctor looks hurt.  
"Seven, if you wanted to...flirt,  
You know my matrix  
Can turn many tricks  
And I cannot overexert."

"Oh Doctor I do understand,  
Believe me that this was not planned.  
I sought perfection:  
A holo-erection.  
But things have got quite out of hand."

The EMH snaps like a clam,  
"I'm sick and I'm tired of this sham  
You seek a photon  
Who can turn you on?  
Well, Seven of Nine, here I am."

Then over the ship's transmitter  
Is heard a gruff Klingon titter.  
A voice interrupts  
As Torres instructs,  
"Don't overload your emitter."

And then to his consternation  
A terrible complication  
Arrives. It's Chak's boss,  
And he's at a loss  
To explain this strange congregation.

"Umm, Captain" Chakotay stutters  
And blushes as soon as he utters  
These words: "I'll abstain.  
I mean I'll explain."  
His audience can't restrain sputters

Of laughter as their commander  
Tries to enlighten with candor  
His captain whose trust  
He so treasures just  
How he came to philander.

"I've told you before of my feeling  
That holodeck sexual healing  
Cannot be construed  
Genuinely lewd:  
It's not like I'm cheating or stealing."

"But Chakotay, this is no case  
Of programming some pretty face --  
You're getting it on  
With a real live woman,  
And your excuse is a disgrace!"

Thus shamed and faced with his worst fears,  
Chakotay bursts into loud tears.  
"Kathryn, I'm so lonely,  
You should know I only  
Want love, but you spurn me, and here's

This beautiful bright blonde Borg babe,  
A genius with an astrolabe..."  
"That's quite enough!" snaps  
The captain, who slaps  
The faithless doofus like a Trabe.

Poor Chak's at the end of his rope  
He doesn't think that he can cope  
With this latest flak  
And he sadly stares back.  
He's finally run out of hope.

But almost as if it were planned  
Seven seems to take things in hand.  
She stares at them both  
And then she doth quoth,  
"But Captain, I don't understand.

You've told me again and again  
That I mustn't ever refrain  
From discovering my  
Humanity by  
Allowing myself some free rein

To experience life in full  
Or I will end up as a dull  
Old wooden shoe.  
So why shouldn't you?  
Unless, of course, you're full of bull."

The crew takes a collective breath  
And waits for the glare of death,  
But it never comes  
As Janeway succumbs  
To her very own shibboleth.

"Get out," she orders one and all.  
"Except you, Chakotay. Stand tall.  
And don't be afraid,  
You're about to get laid.  
It's time for the barriers to fall."

"Oh Kathryn," sighs the big lug.  
"Just wait," she warns, "Ere you hug,  
If I'm not replete  
I'll just hit delete."  
Well. That's one way of pulling the plug.

"Oh Captain, of course I will try."  
And luckily for the big guy  
He does perform well  
And their passions swell  
And nothing at all goes awry.

They've finally gone all the way  
And all that we have left to say:  
Is it not ironic?  
Or even demonic?  
That Seven of Nine saves the day.

But speaking of striking, strong-willed  
Seven, who has gone unfulfilled,  
She's in holodeck two  
Where the Doctor is too,  
And all of their crewmates are thrilled.


End file.
